Today my deluxe, RCA Victor Television Receiver broadcast the most amazing news! It seems Emperor Wilhelm II and the rest of those lousy bastards in Prussia are holding a world sporting event. Something called a “World Cup” of foot-ball. I’ve pledged all the resources of my vast media empire to cover this event and ensure it will not endanger our precious American ways.

Also, anytime I hear the words foot and ball, I think about the First Law of Thaddeus: Always wear your cup! Nothing in life is as important as guarding against a swift kick in the nuts. Thus, I must ensure Wilhelm hasn’t stumbled across some advanced nut-protecting technology!

Rest assured dear readers, The Far Post will cover every inch of the suspicious happenings in Prussia.

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