Head Coach of Men’s National Team

The United States of America (USA) is seeking an experienced coach for its Men’s National Team. The USA is a large industrial nation that regularly competes for major competitions and is a member of CONCACAF. This is a 4-year position that reports directly to US Soccer Czars, Eric Wylanda and Alexi Lalas.

Candidates should have the following qualifications:

  • Experience laying out cones and distributing pennies for scrimmages.
  • The ability to add up to 23.
  • Madonna-level proficiency (Friedel-level preferred) of the Queen’s English so you can negotiate player availability with Premiership coaches.
  • A turntable so you can spin mad beats for The Deuce while he’s chillin’ at the hotel.
  • Comprehensive understanding of the difference between a living room and a family room.
  • A van to drive Freddy to practice.

US Soccer is an equal opportunity employer. The Pope is no longer on the team, so you don’t have to be Catholic.

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