Mos Def and Talib Kweli are on my Victrola phonograph singing about astronomy, while my television receiver is showing the Black Stars of Ghana beating up on our lads in red-white-and-blue. Itâ€™s a sad day, but I pledge my vast media empire will continue to cover Emperor Wilhelmâ€™s tournament of foot-ball.
Eric Wynalda and Marcelo Balboa are prattling on about how the boys tarnished â€œeverything US Soccer has accomplished.â€ A bold claim given the duoâ€™s sterling 1-2-7 record at the World Cup. No one knows more about how to suck at a World Cup than those two.
Questions the media should ask once they finish asking stupid questions:
- Can a team be over-coached? Do our boys have too many instructions and video clips floating around in their heads?
- The US has only three wins in the last five World Cups, why did anyone think they would advance out of the group?
- Does anyone have change for a ten?
- Why does the US insist on playing silly formations in big tournaments?
- Bruce, will you slap-fight Eric Wynalda?
- Seriously, I need, like, 2 fiveâ€™s or a bunch of ones â€” I donâ€™t want buy a $10 subway card. No one can break a ten?
Best Game: US v. Ghana. The Deuce showed up at this tourney. The finish, the dance, the fearlessness â€” the lone shinning moment!
Best ESPN Factoid: When did US states become an official unit of measurement? Ghana is not â€œroughly the size of Illinois and Indiana,â€ itâ€™s 239,460 sq km. Whatâ€™s next? â€œItaly is like Florida. A peninsula and really bad at elections.â€
Best face paint: I canâ€™t look either.
The Final Whistle: The Deuce! Seriously. Heâ€™s the best . . .
â€œWe even got to go to the Jacuzzi yesterday. Saw these two cute girls in there, but we didnâ€™t try to hollaâ€™. â€˜Cause we focused! Focused. On. Soccer.â€ View the rest
Overall Hasselhoff Rating for the Day: (out of 5)
US out of the tournament. Minus 5 Hasselfoffs!
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