There are only five lessons at the Marcelo Balboa Camp for Hair and Soccer:

1. Rinse, Lather, Repeat and always use conditioner before big games.
2. If you’re in the wall, JUMP fool!
3. Take the second yellow whenever you can. That way you won’t miss the quarterfinal game . . . that your team didn’t qualify for.
4. The key to soccer is knocking-it-around and pulling the strings. (This also can apply to – ah - personal time in the bathroom and/or yo-yoing.)
5. If the conversation wanes to uncomfortable silence just blurt out “that’s better” or “that’s much better.” Everyone will nod knowingly.

MLS’s new web sponsor, cashforgoldusa.com, is part of a dual marketing effort aimed at both the league’s underpaid young players and fans.

League officials claim the deal is the result of months of aggressive sales efforts and bolsters the league’s brand.  “We worked really hard to line this deal up,” explained Jim Campbell VP for Digital Media Sales.  “I personally watched hours of late night infomericals looking for the perfect partner for MLS’s web properties.”

“Everyone knows gold is the gold-standard of precious metals,” Campbell added.  “MLS is the number one soccer league in the U.S. and cashforgoldusa.com is ‘America’s number one refiner’ of gold. It’s a perfect match of elite brands.”

The average salary for MLS players with a “development” contract is less than $13,000 a year; an amount that is dramatically lower than the average household income of most MLS markets.  (The average household income for the Washington DC Metro Market is $78,034.)   As a result, many players are in constant search of additional income and welcome the league’s help.

“Oh, I plan on digging through my mother’s dresser, tonight,” offered Jeff Carroll.  “She’s got all this stuff she never wears.  That’s cash money right there, baby!  I will be able to eat in August!”

The program is also popular with veteran players.  “I’m gonna send ‘em some of my old bling,” explained Santino Quaranta. “You know, I got some stuff that reminds me too much of my wild days.  Gonna ship it off and buy my baby girl something nice, like a really great gold necklace.”

The league is hoping fans also participate in the program.  “Who hasn’t been a little short when going to buy your fifth, $10 stadium beer of the night?” Campbell offered.  “Selling some of your wife’s of girlfriend’s gold for cash is the perfect solution.”

League officials say more advertisers are lined-up for next month.  “This John Beck guy says you can make as much as $94,000 on your first deal!  That’s obviously a premium brand that we want associated with MLS,” Campbell said.

“Fans have been blacking out RFK for years by wearing all black during home playoff games, and now PEPCO adds an additional element to that great tradition,” team officials announced today under the glow of flashlights and candles.

“As a thank you to PEPCO for having our back, we will put them on our back. Look for the updated jerseys in tomorrow night’s game, if you can see them.”

United also announced that Disco Rod Dyachenko will serve as the official spokesperson for PEPCO. “Rod’s mediocre performance and inconsistent service are exactly the attributes we want aligned with our brand,” explained PEPCO’s VP of Marketing, Janet Smith.

Smith said that in addition to blacking out RFK, fans can expect PEPCO-sponsored binge drinking events and contests as part of their “Blackout in Lot 8″ party series. “At PEPCO, we know our best customers are the ones that aren’t awake,” Smith said. Adding, “We will also blackout the lights during any game United is losing as part of the ‘This Game Sucks!’ campaign.”

UPDATED: 7/23 - Why did everyone think this wasn’t real? Speaking of … what is real? Is this season real?

Check out the (booger) Flickr picture pages:

Part Unus: DC vs LA. Men vs Gals.

I’ve got Gertrude making an extra cool batch of Tapioca pudding for this game. ‘Cause it is gonna be hot as Emmanuelle Chriqui out there. Oh, and like all big events at RFK, there will likely a thunderstorm. Why have you forsaken us, Mother Nature? Can’t we just have one nice day?

More DPs than a porn site!
Becks, Landy Cakes, Emilio, Gallardo plus Buddle and Moreno – this game is built for goals. Landy Cakes seems to come alive at RFK. It’s probably the fact that RFK has so many Latino fans, Captain America 2.0 gets confused and thinks it’s a World Cup qualifier in Central America. This year he is especially good, so United better be ready . . . I’m talking to you Zack “The Sieve” Wells.

Part Duo: Euro 2008 Final

We got Spain 2-0. Spain may have lost David Villa but it won’t matter; they are too deep and talented. (Deep and talented is the third bullet on my resume! The first two? “Cheap” and “Easy”) Germany is good enough to get into the final, but the combination of poor play from Jans Lehmann and the central defenders will sink Germany. You watch. Jans will surely get five-holed on a goal. D.C. United and Germany have a lot in common.

Special DC Area Traffic Alert!
The Far Post gang plans to leave RFK like it stole somethin’. So if you see a slightly scratched foreign import roaring up in your review mirror on I-295, get outta the way! We got a game to watch on the hi-def tee-vee! Yeah, yeah. We know about United’s plan to show the game in the “Champions Club” – but that can’t match The Far Post’s Hot Chicks Room: