This just in! Another rich dude from out west will own DC United!

Victor MacFarlane seems like a great guy with strong business ties to the DC area. And unlike Papa Anschutz, I suspect MacFarlane’s social politics are closer to most DC fans and DC residents.

(I know Brian Davis and John “WUSA” Hendricks are in on the deal too, but it looks like most of this deal is made of Mr. MacFarlane’s dead presidents. So he’s the new Boss Man.)

While MacFarlane had a bit of slip-up getting some business near the baseball stadium, I’m sure he’ll make the new DCU stadium everything the DC United Nation wants. Here are our stadium requests:

  • Seats – not benches! The doctor said cold aluminum is bad for my hemorrhoids.
  • Supports sections near the mid-field and close to the field of play –think college basketball, not Europe, on this tradition.
  • Bouncy stands for the above-mentioned supporter sections.
  • A statue of Marco Etcheverry inside the stadium with the following features:
    • Every time United scores his mullet will glow red and smoke will shoot from his nose.
    • During every break in the play, the statue should bend to one knee and tie its shoes (just so we can remember the last, fat years of his career).
    • It should be placed on a very short pedestal so children in the pre-game parade can rub his left foot for good luck.
    • These are tough requests, I know. But I bet the boys and girls that run Disney World’s Hall of Presidents can make this happen . . .
  • A corner of the stadium intentionally left without advertisements so fans can continue to create homemade banners taunting the opposing team. The rest of the stadium can earn as much revenue as possible, but leave a space for the fans too.
  • Special grass that allows Eddie Pope’s face to appear on a rainy field. That way we can all remember The Goal.

Make all this happen, Mr. MacFarlane, and we’ll move The Far PostWorld HQ into DC immediately.

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