Ask DC United’s Ben Olsen
Q: My girlfriend and I have a great relationship. Unfortunately, her parents don’t like me. They make snide remarks when I visit with them, and my girlfriend says her parents are even harsher when I’m not around. What should I do?
A: Are you f’ing kidding me? That wasn’t a two-footed tackle! I didn’t see any studs up! That was totally clean! That was a dive! That’s not real blood! Can’t you see me wildly waving my hands around?
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Q: Is there a best time to tell your parents that you haven’t been accepted to law school? They are going to be so disappointed.
A: What?! How can that possibly be a foul? Are you insane? If that was a foul, what about Franchino dry humping Moreno’s leg a minute ago? Get off your knees, you’re blowing the game!
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Q: I have an embarrassing condition that only comes up every few months, and I just started dating this great guy a couple of weeks ago. Should I tell him about my problem now, or wait until it comes up?
A: In college I was all about scoring goals, making assists, and doing fancy pull-backs every 5 minutes. Today I’m a defensive midfielder, and that took a big mental transition. Remember to grab your opponent as frequently as possible and hold on for dear life. That way you can keep track of your guy even when you’re too tired to run with him. If you do it almost constantly, the ref won’t even bother to call it anymore.
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Q: I know I’m not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but my unusual color-blindness leaves me unable to distinguish white from beige or ivory or off-white. How should I handle this fashion hazard?
A: You need to start bitching at the referee right after kickoff. No throw-in is too minor to complain about. The constant complaining will endear you to the referee, and he’ll come to expect a comment on each call. That will inoculate you from dissent yellow cards. That will also save the yellow card for that moment in the 85th minute when you need to make a football tackle from behind to break up a quick counter.
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