Coffee is for closers only
Someone call in Blake from Glengarry Glen Ross (#) and have him remind everyone that coffee is for closers only!
Tonight United failed to close out the game and allowed the New England Revolution (not new!) to crawl back and tie the game. Jerks.
# We know. We know … Blake isn’t in the Mamet original play, but we also know you haven’t seen the original play! You watch MLS, you must be a Philistine!
A-B-C
United’s goal in the 53rd minute is the epitome of their season. A nifty give-and-go between Gallardo and Emilio creates a wonderful scoring opportunity for Emilio. Consistent with this year’s form, the Brazilian kicked the shot straight at the closing Matt Reis. The rebound landed at the feet of MLS’s leader in scoring, Jaime Moreno. But since it wasn’t a penalty kick, Jaime didn’t know how to finish it. As a result, Jaime kicked a shot that was cleared away. The final rebound landed in front of Fred who managed to bang home the goal.
And that, in a nutshell is all you need to know about United. They can’t close.
The Poacher can’t consistently finish, the second forward can’t score during the run of play, and the best player is Fred who plays terrible defense and help allow the tying goal.
Of note
- Many of United’s injuries are their own fault. The team ’s collective touch is poor and leads to numerous 50-50 “hospital balls.” If dudes didn’t have to lunge for bad passes or traps, or if they didn’t have to hustle to regain position after a give away the game wouldn’t be so physical and full of kicks to the shin or punches to the head.
- Gallardo wilts in the second half. The last few games he’s disappeared from play during long stretches of the second half. Somebody needs to introduce him to one of America’s great traditions – steroids!
- This is the second game in a row that Soehn hasn’t used his final sub. He knows these aren’t cell phone minutes or office vacation days, right? You don’t get to carry them over. Use it or lose it, brotha’!
An open letter to Rod Dyachenko
Dear Disco,
You aren’t good enough for that haircut. I know this because others with fauxhawks don’t let their first touch of the game deflect eight yards away from them. Just sayin’ . . .
Love,
Thad B.A.D
An open letter to ESPN
Dear World Wide Leader,
Please show the soccer game. We don’t need five to eight second close-ups of players and we DEFNIATELY don’t need eight second close-ups of Tom Soehn squinting at the field and muttering to himself. It’s hard enough to watch his coaching decisions from afar, watching them close up only exacerbates maters!
Dada-da. Dada-da,
Thaddeus Byron Aloysius Dopenhopper
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