US Soccer today announced preliminary plans to outsource its men’s national soccer team to Brazil, cutting 23 jobs, in what they described as an effort to become more competitive in the market.
Coaching and administrative duties will remain in the US, but all of the men’s national team players will be provided by Confederação Brasileira de Futebol (CBF).

“The CBF is the leading producer of soccer talent in the world,” US Soccer said in a statement, “and we are confident this partnership will help the United States field one of the most competitive teams in the world. This is the free market system at its best.”

Coach Bruce Arena who has been criticized for his comments about MLS offered this analysis of the proposed deal, “Obviously, we need to get our players in better competition and with better teams. Until we can do that, it makes sense to outsource our team with a capable group of players.”

CBF officials are pleased with the potential new contract and hope to obtain more business for Brazil. “For years, the world’s best club teams have hired our players. This agreement is a natural extension of our position in the market,” a CBF official explained. “One day, I hope to see a World Cup of 32 Brazilian-staffed teams.”

Current US player Landon Donovan is angry with the decision and blamed the coaching staff for the team’s poor performance. “We’re not the problem. Period,” said the teary-eyed LA Galaxy forward in reaction to the news of the announcement. “Maybe, just maybe, if some of the coaches would give us a hug now and then — and maybe tuck us in at night — we would play better. I know I would.”

“They be trippin’,” New England Revolution midfielder Clint Dempsey said. “The only Brazilians we need are some fine mamacitas to dance in the stands at our games.”

US Soccer officials said they will announce the final details of the plan — including Dempsey’s suggestion — later in the week.

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