Ronaldo Announces His Future Moves
Football star and prophesier Cristiano Ronaldo announced today his plans for future moves. The famous number seven was candid and controversial about his future during a 30-minute press conference following Portugal’s 3 –2 loss to Germany in the 2008 European Championships.
“I will perform many stepovers in the next few days – mostly over wine bottles and sleeping supermodels. Next week I will do some shooting,” explained Ronaldo. “Mostly photo shoots and maybe some commercials.”
“In about a month, I’ll make some sick runs across the field and into my new man-made lake on my estate.”
Fans in England and Spain have been keenly following Ronaldo’s every statement this summer following rumors the Portuguese forward was thinking of leaving Manchester United for Real Madrid.
“The future is very clear to me,” whispered a clearly upset Ronaldo. “I’m gonna get stupid drunk tonight. Then, I’ll leave for the beach where I will make more superb passes . . . at supermodels.”
Asked about his football future, Ronald shot back, “Fool! I am talking about my balls! Wait. What? Football?. Shit. I dunno. I guess whichever team dumps a bigger pile of cash on my lawn will get my attention.”
Many critics feel Ronaldo’s recent underwhelming 1-goal Euro 2008 performance weakens his request for £300,000 per week and “no fewer than three prostitutes per hotel room.”
But industry analysts think Ronaldo’s request is sure to be met. “Last year in Rome he did two hookers a night. The guy is at the top of his game,” said football columnist Willoughby Alistair Gregory. “He’ll get what he asks – and the salary too.”
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